Limburger Attitude I don’t like morning -- it starts too early in the day. Yesterday morning was worse than most and started out bad from the get go. I always know it’s going to be a lousy day when it begins with getting out of bed. I've had bronchitis for over a week, and to make matters worse, I awoke with a migraine the size of Hoboken, New Jersey. I was crabbier than a seaside restaurant. I’d had surgery on my hand and was taking pain medication that made me lethargic, so I just wanted to veg out, watching Gilligan’s Island reruns and old movies. But right in the middle of "It's a Wonderful Life," my TV died. (Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls!) I don't know what went wrong with it, but it may have had something to do with the flames shooting out the back like fourth of July fireworks. Do you know how boring and frustrating it is to be cranky, tired, and sick but not have a TV for distraction? I had to put up with my own company. That’s as much fun as spending the day in a phone booth with a Pitt Bull that has PMS. I decided to make Christmas cookies, but that endeavor did not go well. The first bowl of dough was runnier than my nose. The second batch was as sticky as used gum on a hot sidewalk, and I burned the third batch blacker than a grease monkey’s finger nails. No wonder I hate to cook. After three flops, I gave up and vowed never to touch an oven mitt again. I think I’ll become a commercial cook, cooking only what can be heated in the microwave during TV commercials. I grabbed the pitcher of juice and bumped it on the counter. The bottom exploded like an overcooked Johnsonville brat. A geyser of juice and shattered glass sprayed the cupboards and floor. After cleaning that up, I went into the den and slid across the room on a pile of dog vomit, smearing it all over the rug. Sorry, but to read "the rest of the story," you will need to get your own copy of the book! OR you can order just one chapter of this book. To purchase the rest of this essay and the entire chapter of which it's a part for just $5, Email for details.
|
