Quips and quotes from the author

On coping: "Strong faith and a sense of humor are essential if you want to stay sane -- or at least if you want to APPEAR as if you are."

On being a grandmother:
"Being a grandma is great! I love carrying pictures where my money used to be. My grandson is the light of my life. He's God's reward for not killing my son."

On getting older:
"Many famous people accomplished great things in their old age. Take George Burns for instance. I want to be like him. He lived to be 100 and stayed funny right up to the end. I can do that. People say I’m pretty funny when I simultaneously sneeze and wet my pants."

On weight:
"I’ve been on a diet since the seventh grade and I’ve lost the same 30 pounds approximately sixty-seven times. If I hadn’t gained them all back, I’d be small enough now to travel in the glove compartment of my car and take a bath in the cup holder."

"I really need to lose weight. I want to know how it feels to bend over without feeling as if my intestines are being pushed out my ears."

On marriage:
"After thirty years of marriage, the husband and I get along better now than we used to. We’re both too old and tired to throw knick knacks, furniture, or appliances at each other anymore."

"Spouses are a lot like habits. Sometimes you need to kick them."

"If snoring were a competitive sport, I could win trophies. The husband says it sounds like I sleep with three kazoos up my nose, and the racket blows his toupee off."